Friday, December 24, 2010

A Year In Reflection

Where does the time go? I have not posted on this thing forever! I find myself sitting alone this Christmas Eve taking time to reflect on my life. This evening I drove myself to the cemetery to wish my Dad Merry Christmas. I like to go and sit at his graveside and sing songs to him. Tonight it was my new favorite song, Innocent, by Taylor Swift.

After the cemetery I stopped at the Smith's in Farmington. I spent countless hours there as a child. Every Saturday Brooke Jensen, Steph and I would ride our bikes or walk to Burger King for lunch and then go to the Smith's and shop for makeup and candy. I found myself strolling up and down the isles looking for familiar faces and searching for memories.

My truck continued to drive down memory lane. I drove the same streets I drove for 15 years of my life. Up the hill I went to that beautiful brown brick house at 983 North Oakridge Drive. I drove slowly up the hill and took each and every house in. Each home bringing a different memory to my brain. As I came to the top of the hill and saw my home my heart felt like it missed a beat. I pulled to the curb across the street from the home that I built countless memories in. When I came to a stop a middle aged man in his pajamas emerged from the house and flipped a switch on the porch lighting up some kind of holiday arrangement. I was so jealous of him. I longed to go to the door and just ask for one look around. Through the glass I could see company sitting down by a well lit Christmas Tree. A large Confederate Flag hung from the banister of the loft in the front room. Several times I nearly drove my car in to the driveway wanting to knock on the door. In the end I drove slowly through the neighborhood that I remember as a child. I wondered if the same people still lived in all those houses. My heart broke as I passed our next door neighbors home and thought of how their lives had changed. A broken marriage several years before and now a son who took his own life after serving our Country for many years. I remembered a time when there were no houses at the end of our street. I remember watching those houses go up and fill the area. And I remember one of the last walks I took with my father as a young girl through the new part of the neighborhood. I remember him telling me more or less that the world was mine and I could do and be anything I wanted to be.

I had so many hard times in that home, but all I can think of are the good times. I am saddened that I will never create more memories in that home. The house on 983 Oakridge will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I must go forward now and create new memories in a new time and place.

Tonight I am missing my family and wishing All a Merry Christmas!


Ang said...

I think that is the wonderful thing about memories, we get to choose which ones we focus on. I definitely choose to keep the good and forget the bad... the past couple of months I have found myself really wishing for Dad to still be here, just to see us all one last time. It is funny how you go a couple of months on autopilot and then something stirs inside you and it seems like the heartache is as deep and fresh as the day he passed.

I love you and am missing everyone terrribly, I can't wait to be a two income family so we can actually afford to come out and visit!!

Tilley/Booth said...

It has been sooo long since Ive been here. I wish I could and would have been there with you Denise. I myself have been so wishing and wondering about how and what things would be like if dad were here. Times have been good and bad and right now I wish I could talk to him. I wonder how different things would be even if he were here for just a while longer. I love you and our family! Thank you for being concerned for Colton and what he is dealing with

~Cynthia~ said...

Loved reading your post, and I too have happy memories in that lovely house. I always really liked that house and loved coming there to see you all.

Matt-n-Jef said...

My memories of you are the days in the house across from the school in Bountiful.. We had so many good times there. Experimenting with food in the microwave. Tying you all up to a chair while I got ice cream, the haunted house, etc..

You may have been too young to remember.. but I don't. Never knew the house on Oakridge. Those are the memories that I remember of you all!

And the few times since then that we have all enjoyed together. I love and miss you all so much. Not sure why I moved so far away. What a mistake that was.

Love you much.

Grandmajoann said...

I too was alone on Christmas Eve. wish I had known you were alone also. I would have loved to have heard you sing to your dad and visit your home in farmington. A lovely post! And I think it is very nice that you have such good memories. Your dad was very nice to each of you and I am glad that you remember and appreciate him.